Feel calmer, focused, and accomplish what's important to you.

Posts tagged ‘judging ourselves’

Organizing … Part of Self-Care?

What do you think of organizing?  More importantly, what do you think of yourself when it comes to organizing?  This is an area that many of us either glorify or curse.  We look at the homes of our organized friends and think, “Ah, what would it be like to live like that?  My life would be wonderful if I could live in a home like that!”  Or, we just berate ourselves because our homes do not look like that, and we see our own organizing ability as some kind of shortcoming or weakness.

What about getting rid of that dream of organizing perfection and all of the negative judgments that go along with it?  I’m not saying to get rid of organizing, but to get rid of the dream of perfection we’ve had about how it works and what it “should” look like.  For many of us, because we feel so embarrassed and/or guilty about this area, we do our best to hide it from others, which only increases our isolation and makes it more difficult to ask for and receive support!

Consider this idea.

Organizing is one form of self-care.

Organizing can be one form of self-care, instead of one form of self-criticism!  However, that does require rethinking the whole area.

Instead of “perfection,” think “good enough” and “What works for me?

I am asking that you find a way to wiggle yourself out of the seductive hold that the glossy pictures of perfectly organized homes have on you.  Keep in mind that nobody actually lives in those homes, at least not in the way that they are portrayed!  Interior design experts have been in that home, not to mention professional photographers, all whose job it is to portray perfection and sell something, correct?  Just what are they selling?  And do you really want any of it?  Do you really want to live in a home that exists to look beautiful but not necessarily be very functional?

If you can suspend your view of what you thought organizing was, then you have a chance to consider something more realistic and more useful!  A way that is more fitting for you.  A way that works for you.  A way that it is good enough and is more in line with how you really live.  In that view, you have a chance to look at organizing as part of self-care, instead of as a way to criticize yourself.

“How Do I Do That?”

Here is what I have learned so far.

* Little by little.  ONE STEP AT A TIME.

Not three steps at a time.   Not do it all at once.  Give yourself a chance to be successful!

* Separate out the projects from the tasks.

Tasks are something that you can do in 10 or 20 minutes.  If it’s much longer or full of steps, it qualifies for a project.  By identifying it as a project, you give yourself a chance to make progress on it by identifying the smaller steps that are involved in it.

* Before beginning a project, break it down into tasks. 

What all is involved in getting that project done?  If it feels overwhelming, what is one small action that you can take that would move that project further along?  Most projects have more leeway than we think because there are different ways that we can move forward on the project.  Stop trying to figure out the “perfect” way.

* The bigger the area you do at one time, the more likely you are to fail.

Don’t mean to be harsh or negative here.  Actually, quite the opposite.  Straightforward compassion, learned from lots and lots and lots of experience…  Stated more simply (and related to “Little by Little”), here’s the positive spin on this:

* The smaller and more manageable the area is to organize, the more likely you are to succeed in organizing it!

My thinking used to go something like this.  “I ‘just’ want to get my desk organized today.”  However, my desk was covered with piles of paper and folders and notebooks and reminders and — you get the picture.  “Just” getting my desk organized made success risky.  What has increased my success is identifying one part of my desk or one pile on my desk and deciding to take action with that one part or that one pile.  It may seem really small, but I am so much more likely to succeed, which builds my momentum and confidence for then taking action on the next part or pile!

Coaching Can Make A Difference!

I’m making progress in learning how to approach organizing differently in my own life.  The funny thing is that I’ve been helping my clients organize parts of their lives for a long time now!  The idea that, “You can’t see the forest for the trees” certainly applies here.  All those trees can block our vision of the forest when we’re standing right in the middle of them!  That’s why I have my own coach in this area, and that’s also why I’m able to be such an awesome coach for someone else in this area! 

If you’re looking for someone to help you change your approach or be more effective with organizing, I’d love to help.  Or, perhaps you want to learn how to take a kinder, gentler approach with yourself, which might surprisingly be the key you’ve been missing.  You can contact me in several ways:

1) Reply to this article (by clicking on “Leave a Comment” at the top of the article.  Those comments are usually published, so let me know if you do not want me to publish your comment.)

2) Email me at LightSpiritCoach@aol.com.  (See the form below to make it easy.)

3) Call me at (573) 999-9809.

4) “Like” my Facebook page at Light Spirit Coaching.

Would love to hear from you in any of those ways!


“A.D.D.-ish”

  • Aha!  I finally found what to call “it”!  You know, that place where you kind of think you might have ADD, but you don’t know if you have ADD?  You’re not sure if getting distracted or being disorganized or procrastinating might mean you have ADD, or just that life is stressful and sometimes overwhelming.

“ADD-ish.”  I heard the term as an aside during a business teleclass I participated in, and I immediately liked it.  In our culture, it’s hard not to be “ADD-ish.”  With information overload and the constancy of communication, not to mention just our regular lives, there is a lot of information to screen in or out and then to process.

And More Questions…

So you wonder if your tendency to get distracted or be disorganized or stay focused is ADD, or is it just a sign of the times?  You are in very good company and plenty of company!  What is important about this question is the answer to another question.  How much is it affecting your day-to-day life?  How much does it bother you that you’re getting distracted or having trouble completing projects or being disorganized?  Do you manage to find some ways to cope with those challenges?  Or do those challenges feel like they’re near constant or looming very large in front of you?  Or perhaps you find yourself somewhere in between?

Answers?

Your answers give you some guidelines for how much attention to give this issue because there is already so much to deal with that we don’t want to unnecessarily add more to the pile!  Indeed not.  What I am hoping to do is to shrink your pile by giving enough attention to what NEEDS attention!  If you find yourself frequently

  • distracted,
  • disorganized,
  • and procrastinating,
  • and it’s causing you a lot of grief,

then it needs attention.  Funny thing is, we tend to put off giving it attention, thinking that we just need to try harder.  Haven’t you already been trying harder?  I truly do understand that it is difficult to answer this seemingly straightforward question because, to answer with a “yes” means that trying harder is not working.  That – is – very – hard – to – admit.  Believe me, I get it.  To say, “My best has gotten me where I am” requires a LOT of courage and humility.  And when we’re trying to save face because it feels like we keep screwing up, courage and humility tend to come hard.

But they can come.  And having a bit of encouragement or support can help.  It is no easy task to admit that we need help and then to ASK for help.  However, how long have you been miserable going about it the way that you have?  That long, huh?  Me too.  I was miserable a very long time, first because I just did not know what was wrong (thinking that I was inadequate or incompetent or even meaner words…).  Then, when I finally did begin to suspect that I might have ADD, well, who wants to be diagnosed with ADD?  I certainly did not.  I thought that it was yet another confirmation that I was inadequate.  So, I didn’t go running to the phone to make my appointment with someone who could do the assessment.

“Insanity”?

For a while longer, I kept trying harder.  Have you ever heard this definition of insanity — doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?  When I first heard that definition, I was quite insulted by the suggestion that I might be insane!  I wasn’t insane!  I was just frustrated!!  Well, no, I wasn’t and I’m not insane in the formal definition of the word.  But in the more casual use of “insane”?  Yes, I qualify.  Once I could loosen my grip on the formal definition, I came to love this definition.  It can help shake us loose from our own chains!

Taking Action

It was because I kept getting the same results no matter what I tried that finally led me to make the call to set up the appointment to get the assessment to be diagnosed with ADD.  And I am relieved and grateful that I did.  First of all, it put a name to all those years of misery and feeling inadequate and incompetent.  That was a relief in itself!  Secondly, medication can help improve my day-to-day functioning.  And thirdly, there is now so much more information available to adults with ADD.  There are books; there are support groups; there are oodles of resources online; there are coaches, AND there are other people with ADD.  You’d be so surprised to find out who all has ADD once you begin talking about it.  There are very successful people who are making their way in the world WITH ADD.  It doesn’t mean that they don’t have their challenges or setbacks or frustrations.  They do.  They’re human, and they still have ADD.  But instead of ignoring it or assuming that they are incompetent or inadequate, they give their ADD, and therefore give themselves, the attention that is needed.

So, is your “ADD-ishness” something that is just a small, manageable part of your life?  Or is your “ADD-ishness” something that is causing you enough frustration and self-criticism that it is TIME to do something about it?  If it is time, then go make that call to schedule the appointment.  Or go research it online.  Or go do some reading about it.  You may be pleasantly surprised to discover that you do indeed have ADD!

“Do I Have ADD?”

Do I or Don’t I?

“Do I have ADD?”  Does this question ever pop up for you?  Or, has someone else suggested that you have ADD (often not very kindly…)?

If not knowing is bothering you, or if you find yourself struggling to cope, then by all means, please go meet with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is skilled in the area of ADD diagnosis, and find out!  For many of us, there is HUGE relief in doing so because

1) You finally have a name for what has been ruling your life.

2) You finally have a way of understanding why life has felt so hard.

3) You can then respond more positively to having ADD (and quit giving yourself so much grief).

4) You can learn about ADD, be treated for ADD and have a much better chance of functioning more effectively in your life!

The Upside to a Diagnosis

So, if you are really struggling, it is worth finding out, as much as a diagnosis of ADD is not something that most of us are eager to embrace.  ADD tends to come with a lot of judgment and misunderstanding, particularly for adults with ADD.  That’s so odd because, no, you don’t outgrow it, as people used to think.  The symptoms do tend to subside during adulthood, especially for those with ADHD, (when you have that extra energy that can make it hard to sit still), but ADD and ADHD do not go away.  We often get better at hiding it, or we develop some coping skills that can help, but it doesn’t go away.

That’s why it’s so important to learn about it and get connected to other people who seem to be managing it OK or who have a positive attitude despite it!  We need to know that we’re not alone in our challenges with ADD, no matter how old we are.

The Downside to Not Knowing

The problem with not knowing that you may have ADD is that you expect yourself to be able to cope with life like someone who doesn’t have ADD.    That’s like expecting someone with Type 1 diabetes to have good blood sugar without insulin.  It ain’t gonna happen!  Someone with diabetes who doesn’t know they have diabetes is not going to feel very well because they don’t have the insulin their body needs to function well.  Someone with ADD who doesn’t know they have ADD is not going to cope very well because they don’t have the resources or possibly medication they need to cope well.  But you don’t know WHY in either case because you don’t know what’s going on!

What Do You Mean, Forgive Myself — For Screwing Up?

Once you know what’s going on, you can learn about yourself, ADD and why you respond to life’s challenges in the way that you do.  You can then cope more effectively by taking advantage of the resources and treatment that are available and can help!  You have probably been expecting yourself to handle certain parts of your life without the skills or resources that you need.  That’s not very fair, is it?  But that’s what we tend to do to ourselves (or other people do to us) because we (or they) don’t understand!  You may choose to take medication, work with a therapist or work with a coach.  (If you’d like to learn more about working with me as your coach, click here.)  You might even decide to take advantage of a professional organizer who understands ADD and can help you create an environment that works better for you.

The next step is forgiving yourself for all that you have not handled as well as you would have liked because of your ADD!  It is so important to go back and look at how ADD has affected you and to forgive yourself.  You have always been doing as well as you have been able to do with the skills and resources that you have had!  It is so important to give yourself the understanding and compassion that has been missing all along!

With Acceptance Comes Change     

With a bit of light shed on the subject of ADD in your life, you are in a better position to move forward, to stop fighting the way you are and instead ACCEPT the way you are.  As you accept those things about you, you can much more effectively begin to learn about strategies for living life a bit differently.  It’s not about saying, “Gee!  I’m so happy I have ADD!”  But it is about saying, “Well, I have ADD.  Now what?”  It puts you in a much better position to respond more effectively to the challenges in your life.

Is There Enough?

Those icky, old familiar feelings.  Panicky.  Barely breathing because your lungs feel so tight.

“Not enough money.”

“Not enough time.”

“Not doing enough.”

“Maybe I’m just not enough…”

Yuck.  From there it can be a slippery slope to feeling discouraged, then overwhelmed, then hopeless.  Have you been there?  I certainly have.  Anxiously taking some kind of action in the hope of making things better, then feeling depressed that those actions aren’t having the intended effect.  Yuck again.

However, there is a “fix” for getting out of this yucky space.  It’s very simple, but it does require shifting gears.

Two simple steps.  (One is really all you need though.)

Step 1.  It can be very helpful to do something to shift physically, like taking a walk or even just stopping and taking a few focused, deep breaths.  Then you’re in a more receptive place for Step 2.  But even without Step 1, Step 2 can still work.  Just proceed.

Step 2.  Take a quick inventory of what is humming along, of what is in place, of what you do have, even if you don’t think there is anything right now.  It can be very helpful to write this inventory down.  It does not need to be all formal and pretty.  Just grab a piece of paper or type it out on your computer.  Do a quick brainstorm of what you do have and what is going well.  I find it very helpful to begin with very basic things, which usually helps me identify other things that are humming along or for which I am grateful.  Here’s the kind of list I’m talking about.

  • this computer
  • my bed (especially good to notice at night when I’m in this space)
  • my pillow
  • plenty of food in my frig and pantry
  • my health (I have to be careful here not to digress to what needs attention or is irritating about my body.  Stay focused on the list!)
  • my family’s health
  • the opportunities and blessings of my business
  • my writing
  • my office
  • the trails in Columbia so close to my home
  • the strength of my connection with my husband
  • resources to help us parent our teenage daughter
  • my ballet classes
  • yoga
  • spring and all that is blooming
  • my daughter’s talents
  • a car that I like that still runs well
  • a mechanic I trust

This is a powerful practice.  The more you practice it, the better you get at it and the easier it comes.  The more you can make the shift from “It is not enough” to “It is enough,” or even “There is plenty!” the more you will experience the power of gratitude.  It also helps to identify what is going well because when we get in that yucky space, we begin to notice almost everything that is not going well.  It’s like it’s all breaking down in front of our very eyes!

By creating a “what’s going well” or a gratitude list, you put your brain on an entirely different track.  You open the way for new possibilities and for new ideas.  You become more receptive to your intuition and creativity, which is often the very thing that you need to get you out of that yucky space and to set the stage for creating a plan that does work better.

“Are you noticing and using the resources you already have?”

We tend to notice what is missing, what is not enough, what is out of place.  Whether it’s human nature or whatever, it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is that you turn your head and notice something else, something that is enough, something that is working or is beautiful or even funny!

Get your paper out.  Write your list.  Or open up Word and type out a quick list.  It doesn’t need to take more than 5 minutes, unless you really get into it.  Just write or type as quickly as you can without over thinking it.  You’ll be amazed at what you come up with.

Post about what you discover, or email me.  The more energy you give this, the more it will give back to you.  And you’ll discover that

there is enough (and) you are enough!

Motivation for Change: Part 2

I jumped right into the meatiness of this topic in Part 1, but by doing so, I got a bit ahead of myself.  Before you look at making changes and creating a SMART goal for yourself to increase the chances of successfully meeting your goal, first you want to see what you already have on your plate!  Is your plate already so full that the food is falling off the edges (like at Thanksgiving)?  Is there anything to which you can say, “No thank you”?  Are you wanting to keep everything that is already on your plate and add more?  Are you (perchance) attempting to bite off more than you can chew?

If your plate is full and you then add something else to it, what might happen?  Does food begin to drop off the edges?  Hmmmm.  Does this sound like a plan destined to fail in some way?  Perhaps you will be successful with your new goal, but chances are that something else is going to fall off your plate.  Or, you manage to keep everything on your plate, but you wonder why you’re not having much success with your new goal.

It is just too much! Call a halt! Stop! You don’t want to neglect yourself, your loved ones, your work or some other part of your life that is important because you are attempting to cram too much into too small a space!  How can you come back to some balance?

Stopping.  Stepping back.  Assessing.  “OK, exactly what is it that I have on my plate?”  It may have been awhile since you really looked.  Sometimes life can feel like it’s going faster than we can keep up.  That is when it is most important to do what is counterintuitive and stop.  Just stop.  The urgency of it all is causing you to think you can’t, but you can indeed and must find a way to stop.  Then take a few slow, deep breaths.  Now look at your plate.  Not with judgment or harshness or criticism.  Just with neutrality and curiosity.  Like you are looking at it for the first time.  “Hmmm.  How interesting.  I have three rolls, a huge piece of steak, no veggies, a tiny serving of fruit and two desserts.  Hmmm.  Isn’t that interesting?”  Not, “Oh my gosh!  My nutrition has gone down the toilet, and there’s no hope for me!”  That is not the kind of gentle assessing I’m talking about.  You are observing your plate (like a scientist studying something) so you can see what is what, what you have plenty of, what you might want more of, and what you could do without, perhaps to make room for something more!

All of this is really a way of stopping to appreciate all that you do.  It’s recognizing that you probably take care of and accomplish more that you give yourself credit for.  I’ll bet that, in some way, somehow, you are taking yourself for granted.  We don’t like it when other people take us for granted, do we?  But look at that; we’re guilty of the same thing!  Instead of taking yourself for granted, try this out.  Step 1.  Write down every single thing you accomplished today.  If you are really diligent about recording what you did, you will have a much longer list than you thought you would have.  Yes, making the bed counts.  Doing the dishes counts.  Running an errand counts.  Completing the paperwork counts.  Feeding the dog counts.  Going for a walk around the block counts.  It ALL counts.  Write it all down.  Step 2.  Give yourself a pat on the back or a high-five or a “Way to go!” for all that you did do today.  Right now is not the time to be concerned with what you thought you “should have” done or what you didn’t do.  Keep your focus on all that you did do.  Because you did a lot.  And you deserve credit and appreciation.  So give yourself some!

From this place of appreciation, you are in a much better position to make good decisions and see if there is any room at all for something new.  Without first assessing how things are now and giving credit where credit is due, it becomes very difficult to make changes, much less to feel motivated to make changes!

Give yourself those gifts: 1)stopping, 2)assessing, 3)appreciating.  By doing so, you are more prepared to move forward into the possibility of change.

Reversing the Irreversible

“One can never change the past, only the hold it has on you, and while nothing in your life is reversible, you can reverse it nevertheless.”    — Merle Shain

What a juicy quote!  I love the challenge to our thinking of this quote.  There’s nothing for us to do about the past because it remains as it is.  However, “the hold it has on you” can be changed.  This is ever so important for all of us but is especially important for those with AD/HD.  Most of us with AD/HD have leftover negative experiences, judgments (from ourselves and others), criticisms that haunt us, or just a more negative view of ourselves than is accurate.  That’s because the symptoms of AD/HD can be so frustrating and challenging — to us and to others!

So, if it is indeed possible to change the hold that your past has on you, what might that look like?  One of the most powerful things to do is to change our perspective, and one of the ways to do that is to simply back away a bit.  Instead of “not being able to see the forest for the trees,” back away from the trees enough to be able to see that there is a forest there!  Sounds really simple, and it is, in some ways.  But it can feel a bit more tricky when it comes to our own lives, which can feel like they’re “up close and personal” because they are!

Nevertheless, when it comes to our past, that is a little bit easier than what is current.  Sometimes it can be helpful to imagine that you are telling something about your past to the most compassionate person in the world that you can imagine — someone who is always able to see how a past situation might have been really challenging and how you might not have responded as well as you would have liked to have responded.  And they always see you with compassion in that situation, having done the very best you could have.  And guess what?  That’s because you did do the best you could have.  If you had been able to do any better, you would have.  You did as well as was possible for you at that time, at that age, with whatever internal and external resources were available to you.  We were often missing some resource that would have allowed us to respond differently somehow.

Practice seeing yourself with that kind of perspective, with the perspective that comes from having a broader view of things and is more compassionate.  It does take practice, especially because we may have become used to being judged by others or judging ourselves harshly.  And it is so very worth it.  Then, you can begin to experience what Merle Shain was talking about when she wrote “…while nothing in your life is reversible, you can reverse it nevertheless.”

%d bloggers like this: